What A Way To Start Your Life....

I have considered my pregnancy to be the most miserable time in my life. I had sharp cramping everyday that knocked me off my feet, extreme back pain and foot pain that basically caused me to be on bedrest for more than half the time and all the weird symptoms I had, the high blood pressure that my doctor wouldn't address along with many other issues... I couldn't wait for Blake to be born so I could stop being so miserable. Everyday, my pattern would be to wake up in bed, find a way to get out of bed on my own, hobble to the bathroom and kitchen and be so exhausted that I had to collapse onto the couch to rest for the next few hours. Misery kept building and building and climaxed with gaining 20lbs in a week and a half of swelling at the waist down to my toes. My legs were so heavy and my back so bad, I couldn't roll over in bed without Joseph giving a push. I couldn't lift my legs, I couldn't bend my toes. My maternity pants were not big enough and I had to live in pajama pants. It was painful to walk because my legs were so huge. From my waist down to my feet, it felt like 1 huge bruise. I couldn't touch myself without wincing. Painkillers didn't help the swelling pain at all. A lot of the time, whenever I had to walk any distance, I would nearly cry from the intensity. When I brought all this up to my DR she told me that it was all normal. I didn't need to worry about anything. There were no drugs she could give me to help. "It's just pregnancy, you just gotta hang in there." Weeks went on. My days felt soo long even though I slept a lot. It was the only way to get rid of the pain. I lost my appetite completely and would even forget to eat until the evening. Blake would start kicking and I would realize I hadn't eaten and it was 5pm. Then, I started waking in the middle of the night with headaches and extreme nausea. I borrowed mom's bloodpressure cuff and started checking my BP's when I would wake up feeling horrible. I wrote everything down and called my doctor. She was not worried about my BP being 175/110 but wondered, "Why are you waking to check your blood pressure in the night? You only need to check it 1 time in the morning and 1 time before bed." She didn't understand how horrible I was feeling. I went into my appointments and when my blood pressure was high, the nurse would ask why I was nervous. I started getting times where my heart would start pounding out of my chest and go crazy for 3-5 minutes and then stop. I asked the doctor about it and she said that I was anxious. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not the type of person to be anxious about anything. The doctor insisted that I was anxious and to not worry about it. It got worse, it didn't just happen at night now but even during the daytime. Then, I started getting the shakes. It was like I was standing in extremely cold weather shaking up a storm but I felt fine, except for the shakes. It kept getting worse and the doctor said it was just part of the anxiety. I insisted that I wasn't anxious and she insisted that I was. I got fed up and shut up. I kept bugging her about my high bloodpressure and she kept sending me to the hospital to do non stress tests. "The baby is responding just fine. Your bloodpressure is a little high but you're fine." I went to the ER on Wednesday, November 7th because I was having difficulty breathing. My bloodpressure was high but after a few hours of laying in bed, it came down enough for me to go home. By the next sunday, november 11th, I was in the hospital everyday, complaining of high bloodpressure symptoms and all they did were non stress tests and "The baby is fine so you can go home."
Thursday, November 15^th.
I had been feeling bad so I stayed at my parents house. Joseph and Mom were at work, Dad and Chad were outside working on vehicles and I was resting on the couch. My back was in so much pain, my legs and feet were horribly swollen that it hurt to not even do anything, so  I just laid there watching tv. I had a small breakfast earlier in the morning but because I was so nauseated, I hadn’t been able to eat anything. I had a migraine that wouldn’t let up and my vision was super blurry. I had been battling high blood pressure for the last few weeks and the DR didn’t seem to worried about it. She had given me BP meds but they didn’t seem to be working, especially when my BP was 189/110. I called my DR for advise on what to do but she hadn’t called back yet. I kept feeling worse and worse until 2pm when Mom left early from work to take me to Woodland to the ER/L&D. On the ride to the hospital (40 minutes) I started having regular contractions that kept getting stronger and stronger. By the time I got to the hospital, they were 3 minutes apart. I was given a room and started a Non Stress Test… Just like so many I’d had before. Baby was doing just fine, my BP was high, and contractions were worsening. After over an hour, my BP started to drop some but not enough to let me go home. Since I was having contractions, we weren’t sure if I was in real labor or not. I was dilated to 2cm and the DR kept me overnight. For the last few weeks, I’d had all the symptoms of Pre Eclamsia except for protein in the urine. Since I was staying overnight, I had to do a 24 hour urine collection. If the level of the protein passed 300, then it was too dangerous for me and baby to stay pregnant so they would have to induce me, if I wasn’t already in labor. 2 days previous, at my appointment, the level of protein in my urine was 270. A week earlier was 123 but my DR seemed doubtful that the protein would pass the 300 mark. I continued to have contractions, not too bad, through the night and then all of a sudden, they stopped at 530am on Friday the 16^th. During the day on Friday, I had to stay at the hospital to do the urine catch until 5 when it was sent to labs, then we had to wait till 6 to get the results. I had maybe 5 contractions all day long. That was such a bummer… to think you’re in labor only to have everything stop! I never passed 2cm the entire night! So…. For Pre Eclampsia, 300 was the mark. Anything below that meant I would go home and anything over that meant I would  be induced. 5:45pm the DR came in with the lab results. The protein in my urine jumped in 2 days from 270 to 510. I would be induced.
Friday, November 16^th, 6pm.
They started me on the pitocin drip. It started out at 1 unit and they increased it by 1 unit every half hour or so. I started having regular, 3 minute contractions. I got up to 7 units and was still having the contractions but they were so mild, I barely even felt them. There was no pain at all, especially compared to the painful contractions the night before. Joseph and I were laying in the bed, Mom and Ashley were elsewhere in the room and we were talking and having a good time. All of a sudden, Blake jumped like never before! It was the weirdest thing and then it felt like I peed my pants just a little. Being pregnant, that isn’t anything new, so I didn’t think anything of it. Still having lame contractions, I got up to go to the bathroom. On my way out, standing next to the bathroom door, I had another contraction, painless as usual. I walked as fast as my fat feet would let me and sat down in the rocking chair only to have another contraction start as soon as my butt hit the seat…. This contraction though was the most painful one I’d ever had. I couldn’t sit right, breathe or think about anything through the minute that it lasted. I literally went from painless to insane pain in a span of 7 seconds. The pain kept coming at 2-3 minutes apart and lasting 1 minute. It was 11:15 and we rang the nurses to beg for an epidural NOW! It took them about 15 minutes (in agony) to get the guy there to do the epidural.  Joseph helped me from the rocking chair to the bed, just in time for me to collapse into another contraction. Everyone who wasn’t needed was kicked out of the room and the epidural started. Try laying in an awkward position to have a needle jammed into your back while the most insane pain is coursing thru you as a contraction hits repeatedly. You are not supposed to move during the needle insertion… That is tough to say the least! By midnight, everything was finished, and the epidural working well. Pressure was there but the searing pain of the contractions were gone! I was checked and still only 2cm. Finally, I got tired enough to go to sleep and slept solidly until 8am the next morning when I was woken by the nurse to have vitals checked and breakfast served. Pain was gone, contractions still coming, according to the monitors. At 10:12am, I was checked again by the DR and I had progressed to 5cm. The pitocin drip had been backed off to 6 units rather than 7. “If you feel the need to have a bowel movement, let the nurse know and Do NOT push until we tell you.” At 10:26am, I called the nurse in to check me because the pressure I had been feeling was just like a BM. I was now dilated to 9cm….. In the span of 14 minutes, I had gone from 5cm to 9cm! I needed to push but they had me waiting since I wasn’t at 10cm yet. After a while, the feeling to push went away… Then the DR came in at noon and checked me and said, “Okay, time to start pushing.” So, push I did…………………I opened my eyes for literally a second and saw the DR with the baby in her hands.……………………….. Blake was born at 1:55pm. ……………….I felt pressure on my tummy and then realized it was the baby so I reached an exhausted hand up to him and felt his arm just in time as he was taken away………………….
I layed there in the bed, Joseph had his head down on the bed and was holding my hand. Dad came in to hold my other hand for a little bit then left….Mom was in the room and was talking to someone I didn’t recognize….Chad came to hold my hand…. Ashley walked in and sat across the room…. I fell asleep….
5:00pm
My family kept updating me on the baby’s blood sugar. I was very worried and some were hesitant to tel me. When the baby was born, his level was 40… Once taken to the nursery, he had dropped to 7 and they had a hard time bringing his levels up. I don’t think, at that time, I really could realize what that meant and how serious it was.
Dinner came but I wasn’t hungry so I layed there. I couldn’t move. My legs were so heavy from the swelling over the last few weeks, my back was killing me…. I picked at my food for a little bit…. I layed there for a while…..
10:00pm
Joseph got a wheelchair and wheeled me to the nursery. They really should let the epidural stay on even after the birth of the baby…. I was in more pain after than I was during all my labor and delivery!  I was wheeled next to the bed where the baby was laying. His eyes were wide open and looking around. They asked if I wanted to hold him. He was handed to me and I looked at him. And that was it. I was just looking at this baby in my arms. He looked so much like a Bedford and so much like a Reeder at the same time, but that’s it.  I held him and looked at him. I can’t tell you what I was thinking because I wasn’t actually thinking. I had no emotion toward this baby. I knew I was supposed to but it wasn’t there. I heard the report from the nurse of how they needed to transfer him to UCDavis because he wasn’t stable. I was wheeled back to my room….I layed in bed…. The transfer team was on their way so I was taken back to the nursery to see him before he left. I held his hand and touched his legs. I felt his swollen face but that is all I felt. I went back to the room when they left with him in the plastic box on the guerney. I layed in bed and fell asleep.
Sunday, November 18^th
I could barely walk because of the pain I was in. I managed to shower, with help. I did my hair and makeup and was discharged. We went to UCDavis to see him in the NICU. We took pictures and I just looked at him as he layed in my arms. On the way back to woodland, Mom and Elaine kept talking about the issues and why he was in the NICU. I was functioning just fine but repeat after repeat and phone call after phone call to update family, it was wearing thin. Joseph and I went home while Mom went shopping for things we needed.  I took a shower and cried. I cried because of the pain I was in… I cried because Blake was in the hospital… I cried because him being in the hospital didn’t affect me like it should have. I think that was the worst… Knowing it didn’t really bother me. I got in bed, Joseph came up behind me and I cried more. I fell asleep before mom got there and she stayed the night to help monitor my sugar levels.
Monday… I felt better. Not great but enough to walk around a little. I was definitely better than Sunday! Joseph, Chad, and I went to visit Blake in the NICU. We were there for 4 hours and it felt like no time had passed at all. When Blake was in my arms, he finally felt like my baby. My lil’ man. I didn’t want to let him go. We went home. This time I didn’t cry but I couldn’t talk either….
Tuesday… I was sooo sleepy. I tried to wake when mom came in but I was so exhausted that I almost fell asleep on the toilet. I forced myself to walk through the pain and sleepyness to the kitchen where mom was making breakfast and then I went to lay down. Mom came in to talk to me but was worried because I was breathing funny. I was just tired. She wouldn’t let me sleep. She called 911. I couldn’t hardly take a breath.  In the ambulance, I started coughing… It was weird because I wasn’t sick and hadn’t coughed at all before that time. After a short time in the ER, Dad walked in, even before mom. Mom got there and called Joseph from work. I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure…I had blood vial after blood vial after blood vial drawn.. I had a catscan done and then we waited for me to be transferred to UCDavis. In the evening, I was finally transferred in an ambulance. I was taken to UCDavis Children’s hospital and was set up in the MICU – Medical Intensive Care Unit. My headache was so painful from the high blood pressure and I was started on some medication. After a while, the BP came down a little bit, but not much.  After about an hour, dad showed up and sat with me. Mom got there and the Joseph surprised me by coming. We had planned on him working since my parents were able to stay with me but thankfully, he was able to call off. Mom and Joseph stayed the night with me and I continued with my nasty headache and sore back and throbbing ankle. It was a bit of a struggle to get pain meds on time since everything had to be run by the DR before they could give me anything. The MICU was so noisy and people everywhere all night. None of us got a good nights sleep.
Wednesday… I continued to have high BP’s and my headache got worse and worse. I had an ultrasound of my heart, and EKG, and another test that I can’t quite remember. My day nurse was horrible and didn’t understand basic concepts…. Like when I disconnected from my insulin pump, she couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that I was no longer getting insulin into my body… I was not connected… anyway. Mom and I super disliked her but had no choice but to deal with her as nicely as we could. The nurse told me that after lunch I could go visit Blake. So I ate and was all ready to go and the wheelchair was there…then as soon as I sat up in bed, my heart rate jumped and she came in and said that I couldn’t go visit him because now, I wasn’t stable. I already had a hard time with her and that just made me mad… Especially when I sat up, I was okay, but as soon as I would lay back down, my head would start to throb again more and more than it had previously. The pain kept multiplying. I finally got to go see Blake for a short time. On the way back to my room, my foot pain started up, so I told the nurse that as soon as we got back, I would need pain meds asap. I tried to explain that when my foot started hurting, I would be in extreme pain within 10 minutes if I didn’t get some pain killers. We got back to the room and an OB came in to talk to me to explain that I was being moved to the L/D floor since my problem was NOT Congestive Heart Failure but Extreme Pre Eclampsia instead. While he talked, my pain in my foot was getting worse by, literally, the seconds and my head was throbbing like never before and getting worse. Joseph and Mom both went to bug the nurse for some meds and she said that she had to talk to the DR first. The OB finished his part of the conversation and a lactation consultant came in to pester me. I was writhing in pain. I believe this was the most pain I have EVER experienced; even more than labor and delivery. I couldn’t believe this lactation consultant didn’t realize I couldn’t actually hear her and was in extreme pain. By this time, it had been at least an hour since I initially asked for pain meds. I hurt soooo bad. The nurse came in and said, “What level would you rate you pain, 10 being the most pain you’ve been in?” She did not have drugs with her and I could no longer hold back. I instantly started crying and yelled that I was at a level 12 and where were my drugs?! I continued to cry and push the icepack on my head closer hoping the cold would numb me…. Not that it had really been working before. I curled up on my side and Joseph and Dad were right there holding me. A few minutes later, the nurse came back in and said something about just being patient and that the meds would be there soon. This time I screamed at her, “ You don’t tell someone who is in extreme pain to be patient! You get them their pills!” I wanted to tell her that she had obviously never dealt with any type of pain. She was completely compassionless and just horrid all over! Whatever she gave me didn’t really help and I think when she went on break, there was another nurse who came and gave me morphine. When that kicked in, it took the edge off the pain…enough so I could stop crying and rest with my eyes closed…. Then the horrid nurse came back and had the nerve to tell Joseph that “When people get out of control like that, you can’t really do anything with them” …. I ignored her for the rest of the time I was in the room. I finally got transferred to L&D a few hours later. I was started on a Magnesium Sulfate drip which helped counteract the PreEclampsia. Within a few short hours, I was feeling so much better! My head finally stopped throbbing halfway and I was able to sleep pretty good through the night. Wednesday was probably the worst day of my life. I never want to experience that again.
Thursday…. I was feeling much better. I got to spend quite a few hours with Blake in the NICU. In the evening, Dad, Ashley, Chad, Ryan, Dora and Emily came to visit and bring thanksgiving dinner for mom , Joseph and I. While Ryan, Dora and Emily met Blake, Ashley, Chad and Mom went out of the room and it was just Dad and I together to visit. After everyone left, I visited Blake again with Joseph and then we went back to the room and we all got a pretty good night sleep again.
Friday…. I went to visit Blake even more than before. This time I was able to walk to his room rather than be confined to the wheelchair. Moving was slow but It felt good to walk. Nearly all of my swelling was gone from my legs. In the afternoon, Natalie and Nathan came to visit and meet Blake. While they were there, I was discharged and we all left together.
Saturday and Sunday… I’m walking and functioning like a normal person! Effects of the PreEclampsia is gone. I have to take medication but it helps so I’m fine with it. I’ll only be on it for a few weeks. I have not felt this good in MONTHS! Blake is 1 week old. He keeps having tests done to rule out any abnormal things and his only issue is that he has a very weak suck so he doesn’t do well with a bottle…. BUT…. On Sunday, about half of his feedings, he took a bottle and did sooo well! He was much more alert these two days and was awake more times also! He is such a content baby. I’ve only heard him cry twice. Once was when his diaper was being changed and the other was when I was messing with him to wake him. He finally woke, not happy and crying, and after literally a minute and a half of crying, he cried himself back to sleep! Each day, I see improvement and I can’t wait to bring him home!

On Saturday, November 17^th and Sunday, November 18^th, I don’t remember much of what happened… All through labor and delivery, I was so exhausted, I kept passing out between pushes. They had to vacuum-assist to get Blake out. They had the OR prepped for me because I was so close to needing a C-Section. After delivery, when I laid in bed, I was still in and out of it. Completely exhausted from labor and delivery, my heart pumping at a reduced rate and the pre eclampsia making me weak… It was definitely not a good thing. Mom and Ashley tell me things about the labor, delivery and even after and I don’t remember hardly anything about what happened. I don’t remember falling asleep at all but I don’t remember details either.
Blake was born with a blood sugar of 40 which is fine, but within 15 minutes, he had dropped dangerously low to 7. They started an IV to get his level up. His head and neck were extremely swollen and I was told that he couldn't even open one of his eyes because the swelling was so bad. His head was very misshapen, flat on one side and round on the other. His nose has scrape on it from the birth and one side is still flat. He had a little difficulty breathing and kept holding his breath. The nurse had to keep shaking him until he took a breath. He was not in a stable condition. Once they transferred him to UCDavis, his biliruben levels were high so he had to lay under the bright blue lights for a few days. He has had a cat scan, MRI of his brain, skeletal xrays, speech therapist look at him because of his weak suck, multiple labs and tests, a kidney ultrasound, a neurologist will be looking at him and will have a few genetic tests done to make sure there is nothing wrong. His face is asymmetrical and that causes the doctors to worry that there is something wrong with him.

It is the weirdest feeling to lay here in bed next to Joseph... It is just the two of us, like it has been for the last 10.5 months but something feels different. It’s not so much a feeling of different, but I know it is different. Blake is still in the NICU. We have not been able to bring him home yet. We visit him every day for a few hours. While I’m with him, he is my baby boy and I love him more than anything. When I get home in the evening, it feels like he is someone else’s baby that I just went to visit. I know he is mine but I cant wrap my head around it when he isn’t with me. It makes me sad to feel like this, but I just keep waiting for the day to bring him home and know forever that he is my little boy. My arms are empty, my heart is sad and my mind can’t quite figure out why. During the day, I do okay…. But I lay down at night, next to Joseph, and even though we are close together, there still is a gap there where a baby should be…. Our baby, Blake.